Author: Kris Valdez

This week in America is Thanksgiving. For some people, Thanksgiving means food and football. For others it means spending time with family and friends. The real reason we celebrate Thanksgiving is to remember how giving the Native Americans were to the Pilgrims and saving them from death due to starvation. Then the descendants of Pilgrims who were saved by Native Americans, rejected the Native Americans, took their land and their sometimes their lives. Not exactly the Thanksgiving theme portrayed in a Norman Rockwell painting.

This scenario has parallels to how I’ve treated God. I remember when I rededicated my life to God. The re-dedication came around my first year of marriage. It was during a tough time of my life. I was incredibly sad and lonely in a new city with a husband who traveled 3 to 4 weeks out of every month. I was working at a job where the common theme was to choose unethical over ethical. My relationship with God was sketchy at best.

I remember calling my mom in tears complaining about how sad and lonely my life was. I was expecting sympathy and a shoulder to cry on, instead the first thing my mom said to me was, “When is the last time you attended church?” This took me by surprise. It wasn’t the sympathy I craved, instead I was challenged to surrender my life and my circumstances to God.

I wish I could say I immediately picked up the phone and started calling around looking for a church that met my beliefs and biblical values. Instead of calling, I attended one church after another looking for the right fit. It took me quite a while to find a church to match my needs. But when I did find the right fit, it made me realize my loneliness stemmed from not having a meaningful relationship with God.

This wasn’t a religious obligation where I checked the church box on Sunday and then did what I wanted the rest of the week. It became a necessary part of my day to spend time with God to cure my loneliness, God was saving me from death and starvation of my soul, like the Pilgrims were saved by the Native Americans before and during the first Thanksgiving. God continues to give me reasons to be thankful. I challenge you to use this Thanksgiving to keep the giving in Thanksgiving. Here are three ways God puts the giving back in Thanksgiving.

God freely gives us the ability to choose a relationship with Him or to reject it. The choice is ours. God rejects no one. In the past, I’ve been the one to turn my back on Him, only to turn around and see Him waiting for me to return with open arms. God wants us to know Him and He is at work in everyone’s life. In Acts 17:27, (NIV) it says, “So that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us.” I challenge you, if you’ve strayed from God, turn back to Him and choose a relationship with Him.

God freely gives us forgiveness. More than once in my life I’ve strayed from God thinking I was wiser and had better timing than Him, but when I’ve returned to God, not only was He there with open arms, but with an abundance of forgiveness. We have all sinned. There is no getting around it. According to Romans 3:23 (NIV) “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” We desperately need the forgiveness which God gives. Is there forgiveness you need to ask for from God first and then those around you? Or is there forgiveness you need to extend to someone? I challenge you to accept and/or freely give the forgiveness God first gave us.

God freely gives us love. Nothing we do can earn us this love. We need to relate to God by what He did for us, rather than what we can do for Him. When we begin to tell God all we’ve done for Him, it no longer becomes about the sacrifice of the cross, but about our works to earn the cross. The Bible says in Ephesians 2: 8-9, (NIV) “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.” I challenge you to examine whether you are working for God’s love or only working because of God’s love.

God is the ultimate giver. By using these three challenges, we can keep the giving in Thanksgiving. Please share in the comments if there are ways you see God as a giver in your life.

We come to every relationship with expectations. Sometimes these expectations are fulfilled and other times, we’re completely off base. All of my kids at one point or another approached life with the motto that there are no strangers in the world, only unmet friends. It wasn’t until they became older, this philosophy changed slightly. Although my five-year old still calls everyone his friend, until they do something that makes him feel slighted in some way, shape or form. This slight, however, could be as simple as someone not sharing a cookie with him. He feels confused as to why someone wouldn’t give him a cookie – don’t they love him? If they loved him, he would get the cookie.

What happens when we feel confused in our relationship with God? Why am I not getting my cookie from God so to speak? Recently, I realized, I needed to let go of my expectations of what a relationship with God looks like and started changing the conversation. How did I go about doing this? Read on my friend.

1. Let go of trying to be perfect. If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, this is one of my biggest hurdles to my relationship with God. I had an expectation in my head of what a quiet time, meditating on God’s Word and having a relationship with God should look like. I was trying to fit into a mold of what I’ve seen others do around me. This made my relationship with God difficult and trying, the exact opposite of what it’s supposed to be. This relationship should flow and be weaved into every part of my life. It’s when I try to do it how I think it should be done as opposed to being present with God in my authentic real self, that problems start to arise and God begins to feel distant. When I approach God as my humble, broken self, He shows up to heal me.

2. Allow God to pour love into us. Nothing pleases God more than opening ourselves to Him. Every, single aspect of our lives. He is interested in the big stuff and the little stuff. When I was growing up, my dad would say to me, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” This is in no way an original saying, but as I get older, and draw closer to God, these are truly words of wisdom. I don’t need to sweat the small stuff or the big stuff in life because God has my back. Instead of laying blame at God’s feet, I kneel at the base of the cross and ask God for help, guidance and direction and allow Him to pour his love and light into me as I start my day.

3. Do what works for you and God. While I start most of my days before the sun comes up to be with God, this doesn’t work for everyone. Some people feel closest to God when out in nature and do daily hikes while drawing closer to God. Some people are night owls and have their time of meditation late in the evening when everyone has gone to bed. Some people have their quiet time over a lunch hour to refresh their day at a difficult job. The point is, God is not a one size fits all kind of God. If He was, the world would all be the same and we would all have the same views, which in most assuredly not the case. God is creative. Thinking He would communicate with us in only one way seems to put limits on an infinitely powerful God.

4. Stop glossing over the relationship. As part of my quiet time, what works for me and God, is to journal my prayers. At last count, I’ve finished off 11 journals on my bookshelf. Completely filled, cover to cover, with my pleadings and praising to God. In most of these journals, the conversation has been one-sided. Not exactly the sign of a healthy relationship. God wants to have a deep, meaningful, authentic relationship with us. This will only happen if we stop and listen. So, while I still pour out my heart to God in the pages of my journals, everyday, I leave at least one page open to what I hear from God and write it down. I ask God to allow me to hear His voice. I’ll tell you, the first couple times I did this it was weird and awkward, plus I began to question whether I was hearing from God or not. Here’s a great way to figure out if we’re hearing from God, test it against what the Bible says. If you’re not familiar with the Bible, Google what you hear and stick the word Bible somewhere in the description. This is a quick way to determine if the conversation we’re having with God is lining up with His Word. I typed in “Bible verses on a relationship with God” into Google and over 1.1 million entries were returned in seconds. If we’re going old school, use the topic index in the back of the Bible.

Changing the conversation with God is about us, not Him. The Bible says, in John 15:5, (ESV) “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” We are uniquely created and the way He communicates His love and message will be different for us all, we, however, need to slow down and listen. A challenge in the fast paced world, but so critical to our spiritual nourishment and our relationship with God. I want to encourage you to stop and listen to what God wants to pour into your life.

Do you have a unique way of approaching your relationship and conversations with God? Share your thoughts in the comment section below so others can be encouraged.

Doubt. It seems like such an innocent emotion, but doubt can create havoc in our lives. How? Because it eats at trust. Trust of those around us, trust in ourselves or our judgement and worst, trust in God. It’s one of the oldest lies in the enemy’s handbook. It started in the Garden of Eden and is still one of the most powerful weapons he uses today. He whispers doubt in our ear that God is holding out on us so we can’t trust God, we can’t trust what’s written in the Bible and we can’t trust the promises God has told us.

There are three lies that I’ve come up with which increase my doubt. I’m sure there are more, specifically designed to trip up each of us, but these are the ones which most frequent my life.

1. Doubt in God’s Word. The enemy will whisper in our ear, is that what God really meant in the Bible? He will twist the goodness and purity of God’s Word, take it out of context and use it as a weapon to create doubt. In Hebrews 4:12, (ESV), “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” The Word doesn’t get much more powerful than a two edged sword.

2. Doubt in God’s love. How could God love a sinner like me? Or, if God really loved us, He would answer our prayer the way we wanted. God is love. The whole Bible declares His love. John 3:16 (NIV) states, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

3. Doubt in God’s plan for our lives. There is the lie that we need to control everything. We need to look out for ourselves because no one else with do it. The enemy wants us to believe we are on our own and no is there to help us, that God doesn’t have a plan for our lives, this goes against the promise in Jeremiah 29:11, (NIV) “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

We combat these lies by reading the truth of the Bible. The Bible doesn’t lie. The promises throughout are meant for us to cling to in our time of need and restore us in time of plenty.

I’ve seen doubt in my kids even though we’ve never given them a reason to doubt us, but it’s part of the growing and maturing process. My husband and I plan surprises for our kids. Some go awesome and others, not so much, but we take joy in planning the surprise and to see our kids’ reactions.

Sometimes our kids don’t trust the surprise. They question whether it will be a worthy surprise and if they will enjoy it. Or if it would be better to spend time with friends rather than with our family. As a parent, I’m saddened to think they believe we would plan something unfun. Okay, I admit, things don’t always go off as planned, but the stories and memories that come out of the unplanned events are the stuff of tall tales in years to come around the dinner table. As time goes on, they see we are working in their best interest. It might not always turn out perfect, but at least we are all present together growing closer as a family.

Here’s the difference with God, things always turn out perfectly according to His plan, but not always our plan. See, God has a bigger agenda than what we can see. Similar to my kids when we are planning a surprise for a day off from school, they don’t get to see the full picture of all the moving parts. We don’t get to know all of God’s moving pieces in the jigsaw puzzle of His plan this side of heaven, so we have to trust in His Word, His Love and in His Plan.

We have the best offensive plan to combat the enemy’s lies and it’s laid out in God’s Word. In James 4:7, (NKJV) it says, “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” The enemy will flee from us as we draw closer to God and submit to His authority. While not a popular concept in today’s culture, we can trust God has the best waiting for us.

We can’t believe the lies. It keeps us from God’s best and fulfilling the dreams He’s put in our hearts. The enemy doesn’t deliver on his promises, but God always does. Are there lies you are believing? Share them in the comments below so we can support and pray for you.

I adore office supply stores or the office-supply section of Target or Walmart. It’s a weird sort of obsession. I especially love the items promising improved organization. My kids’ rooms are filled with stuff from IKEA to keep their toys better organized and their desks homework ready.

However, these amazing organizational items instead seem to add more clutter to my house rather than help me clear it. Sometimes we are covered in so much stuff, I’m not even sure where it all comes from. There are the necessary paperwork items from school or work. Can anyone say open enrollment for benefits? My kitchen table is covered with handouts from work trying to navigate the world of healthcare sign-up.

I want to be more organized. I want to teach my kids to be more organized. Why? Because it helps to be more present and peaceful rather than shoving things in drawers or file cabinets to create the appearance of perfect.

Look, I get it. My home will never look like something out of Better Homes & Gardens if someone randomly stopped by. Right now, I have a herd of dinosaurs on my coffee table which according to my five-year-old are fighting an epic battle to the death and therefore cannot be put away. I could be the mom that requires all toys be put away before bed but I’m not. I want to see how the epic battle ends in my kid’s imagination. So sometimes the clutter of toys is a good thing.

The problems arise when our clutter keeps us from pursuing the best God has in mind. When my home gets so lived in (my euphemism for messy), I have problems thinking, being creative, and functioning to my full potential. See, I want to live life full out. I want to grab a fist full of thankful for all the blessings God has given me. This is hard to do when I’m bogged down by stuff and I see my attachment to said stuff.

I’ve struggled with this my whole life. As a kid my mom gave me a sign to put over my desk that said, “A cluttered desk is not the sign of a cluttered mind.” I think she gave this to me as motivation to clean my room which normally became an epic battle; kind of like the dinosaurs on my coffee table.

I want to be clear this doesn’t mean we all have to be clean freaks and everything has to be put back or clean at night. I’m not that type of person and each of us has a different level of comfort with clutter. The problems arise when the clutter keeps us from our calling. Meaning if we have the gift of hospitality and God is calling us to host a foreign exchange student but we can’t get through the piles of clean, unfolded laundry on the guest bed to offer up the room, then this is keeping us from God’s best.

How can we make our lives simpler so we can answer the calling of God? Here are four steps to make it easier.

1. Ask ourselves why are we keeping these items? Is it something we need to make a decision on? Then if you’re having problems with the decision, ask God for direction and guidance on how to move forward or for the ability and strength to let the item go. Psalm 37:23 (NKJV) states, “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way.”

2. Ask ourselves if we are holding onto something because of guilt or obligation. If a family member gave you something, then they are giving you permission to have it. Meaning it’s all yours and you can do whatever you want with it including give it away or sell it or throw it out. If something comes with strings attached, kindly, graciously give it back to the person who gave it to you. God’s love comes with no strings attached. He loves us just for the way we are, flaws and all. If gifts come with strings, they aren’t gifts at all. Romans 5:8 (NKJV) states, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

3. Are we hoping for a different outcome? Are we hanging onto an ex-boyfriend sweatshirt in hopes that we will get back together again or that he’ll really want it back and he’ll have to call us? Give it back, no strings attached. If the situation was meant to turn out differently, God will make it happen. God doesn’t want to keep his best from us but sometimes the other person has to change or we need to grow to make that relationship work. God might have something better for us all together. Let it go and give it to God. Proverbs 4:25-27 (NIV) states, “Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.”

4. Still having problems letting stuff go? Pray about it. My earnest prayer every day is God, please help me let go of what is weighing me down. I mean this in both the spiritual realm and the physical realm. There are things or situations I’m not even aware of or a hold onto things emotionally. God gently points them out and then I can get rid of the physical thing in my environment attached to these emotions. God is a God of freedom and forgiveness. Allow him to set us free from our emotional and physical clutter to reach the dreams he has for us. Colossians 3:2 (NIV) states, “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

Are there things you need to get rid of emotionally or physically? Share in the comments below so we can pray for you.

Have you ever dealt with disappointment? This month my daughter tried out for the fall play at school. Even though she worked hard on her audition song and lines, the part she wanted didn’t materialized. She’s part of the general cast instead of one of the smaller lead parts she wanted. I wish I could have taken away her disappointment, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted because the directors knew the full cast and what was best for the entire production.

There have been many times I’ve been disappointed in God. I prayed for something, such as a new job or resolution to a difficult situation. I even had my friends and family pray for the same things. These are the spiritual warriors in my life. The people I believe have God on speed dial. (FYI – I now know we can all have God on speed dial.) I thought my prayer requests were in the bag, so to speak. However, like the directors in my daughter’s play, God knows the entire production and the full cast to further His kingdom, not my personal agenda.

The challenging part is to keep this in mind and not become resentful of God for not answering a prayer request the way I wanted. It sounds selfish as I sit here and write this. Like the God who created the universe for His glory and to draw people closer to Him would bend the world to my will. Not so much.

I know God hears my prayers, but He answers them in His own timing and in His own way. How can we get over the disappoint of not getting a made to order prayer request answered? Here are three suggestions to move beyond the disappointment.

1. Work through resentment. God is a tough guy, meaning he can handle our resentment, our frustration, our anger, our fear and whatever other emotion we can tie to the disappointment. He can take our emotions and work with them. I normally start experiencing problems when I use my negative emotions to keep me from God. It damages my relationship with Him and instead of feeling better about the disappointment, I feel worse. Spend time alone with God and left Him have it. All of it. There isn’t much good in this phase, but there is the bad and the ugly. Bringing our resentment to God begins the healing process.

2. Trust God has our back. Sometimes I hear the whisper that God is holding out on me. It’s the same lie Satan told Eve in the Garden of Eden. Satan knows what words work to plant the seed of doubt against God. If the lie worked in the beginning of time, why stop now? How do we combat this lie? With Scripture. Psalms 9:10, (NIV) says, “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you,” or Psalms 31:14, (NIV) “But I trust in you, LORD; I say, “You are my God.” Pretty much peruse the book of Psalms and we can find verses on building our trust with God.

3. Submit to God. I don’t know about you, but this one is tough for me. I’m strong willed and God is continually humbling me to submit my will to His. Every time I think I have the process down and I’m willing to replace my desires for God’s, something else pops up which challenges this. Psalms 143:10 (NASB) states, “Teach me to do Your will, For You are my God; Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” Most recently, my work began partnering with a large university offering discounted tuition for full time employees. I jumped at the idea of getting another degree, with a discount no less, because apparently I think I need more than the two degrees I have. I signed up for more information and the recruiters have been calling me everyday to find out my area of interest and if I could start at the upcoming semester. I took a step back over the weekend and spent time alone with God while the house was still quiet and dark. The answer I received was a resounding “No, now is not the time to start another degree.” My initial reaction was rebellion and resentment. God knows I enjoy learning, why can’t I do this now?

The situation inspired this blog post as I worked through each one of these steps. I’m not sure what God has up His sleeve for me in the coming months or years, but I trust it will be better than earning another degree.

Are there times when you get stuck in any of these steps? Or has resentment kept you from God only to realize what He planned out was for the best? Share your experience in the comments.

For about two weeks, I was able to pretend to be a stay at home mom, but not really. Yes, my dear readers, I’ve had yet another surgery. This time on my shoulder. Not as bad as the spinal fusion, but it’s not a walk in the park either. I’m thankfully on the mend and healing faster than the doctor had anticipated. Once again, I’m defying the doctors.

During my second week of recovery I was going a little stir crazy in my house being hooked up to a Game Ready ice machine 24/7 so I began walking my kids to their swim lessons and after school sports. The beauty of living in the center of a small mountain town is I can walk to almost everything without neglecting my pain management schedule. I actually couldn’t drive because of my sling, so it worked out great to get some slow steps in and watch my kiddos do what they do so well.

I became amazed in a short period of time, that there is a whole culture out there of stay at home moms who orchestrate their kids schedules that would make some military organizations jealous. I’d witness the same mom dropping one kiddo off at swim lessons, then move another kiddo to gymnastics and them switch them around in 30 minutes to an hour later. She would pull out the organic crackers and applesauce for a snack while helping with homework and all looking fabulous in yoga pants. This glimpse into the world of stay at home moms became fascinating to me because I’ve never been a stay at home mom, I’ve only pretended, mostly during some sort of medical leave.

In the interest of full disclosure, I had a consulting business for five years and worked at home after my daughter was born. This is not the same thing as being a stay at home mom and anyone who tells you differently is delusional at best, but I digress. Moving on…

I began to ask myself, “Do I want to be one of the moms in yoga pants looking amazing while sitting on the side of the pool cheering the swim team on? Could I be a mom in yoga pants?” I’m honestly not sure if I could hack being a stay at home mom.

I want to be clear that this post has nothing to do with working moms against stay at home moms. Each person makes their own choice for what’s best for their situation and where we believe God is calling them.

In my 20’s all I wanted was to continue climbing the corporate ladder, so to speak. A child was not really in the equation, let alone three kiddos. I wasn’t one to babysit and I was the baby of my family therefore I had no experience taking care of those who came behind me.

Then my 30th birthday approached and I felt the tug of motherhood. The moment I found out I was expecting, my priorities started to shift. I wanted to create a home for my daughter. One where I could be there for her, instead of in meetings until 9 pm at night. I felt God calling me to start a business. Being married to a non-Christian at the time, he thought I’d lost my mind. I’m a women with a Master’s Degree and I wanted to work from home. It seems weird now, but working a business out of your house was almost unheard of 15 years ago, now it seems one of the norms in small business or consulting. A laptop and a coffee shop means you’re in business.

The point of this business was to allow more time with my daughter and still be the mom in yoga pants taking her kids to the park, swim lessons, soccer practice and everything else I believed society expected of me. Instead of finding peace and fulfillment in this scenario, I found havoc and heartache. There are moms out there able to navigate this identity crisis after their first child is born, I found out I wasn’t one of them. Or I couldn’t navigate it easily.

See, even though my business became successful and won awards, the time I spent with my daughter diminished significantly. The more my company grew, the less time I spent with my family, the whole reason I started the business in the first place. When I do something, I have a tendency to do it at 110% rather than balance it out. This is probably why I keep injuring myself and keep my local orthopedic surgery office busy.

I used to really dislike this about myself. Then I realized I was putting my 110% effort in the wrong things. This 100% effort couldn’t be in my job, my business, my calling or even my family. I needed to put this effort towards a relationship with God. Have I mastered this yet? Absolutely not! I see the next bright, shiny opportunity and take my eyes off God’s plan for my life. Or I see others doing what I think I want to do and question the path God has me on at this moment in my life.

This leads me back to the mom in yoga pants. I envied these women looking relaxed around the pool and being the general of their kids’ schedule, but I don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes and if this is what they are called to do or forced to do. I don’t know if they are truly happy or putting on a happy face for their fellow stay at home moms. None of us knows what going on in the lives of others, nor can we fathom the weight another person carries. Instead of envying the moms in yoga pants, I prayed God would reaffirm my path and the journey I’m on with my life.

I need to stop comparing my life to others and be content with where God has me. Easier said than done, I know this first hand. However, I take comfort in the verse, Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” NIV. Even though I stumble and fall in my journey towards where I believe God is calling me, He can use all these things for His purpose. I might not be able to cut it as one of the moms in yoga pants, but I can rest assured that God has called me to only be me. What has called you to be? Share it in the comments below. And if it’s the mom in yoga pants, you rock it girl! I salute you!

Is there ever a positive temper tantrum? Read on and see what you think. Hopefully, I’m not the only mom to experience this, but for the first time ever, I sent one of my kids to bed without dinner. I never thought this would happen, since I hate to admit it, but I would greatly miss dinner if it wasn’t there and I feel like it’s a pretty harsh punishment.

It began with picking up my two older kiddos from a weekend with their dad. It became very late and to say I was exhausted would be an understatement. My husband could see I wasn’t into the whole cooking thing on Sunday night, so he offered up a drive-through option before we hit our hometown.

See, there are no fast restaurants in our little town. Nada. Zero. The nearest fast food is 14 miles away. So it’s truly a treat for my kids to get it because it’s faster to cook something at home than to go pick something up.

A family of five and one car can create chaos in the drive through line. Especially since we don’t get much practice in the drive thru line. The poor girl on the other side of the order box kept asking if we were done and wanting to read back our order. Finally we said, that’s it. I could almost hear a sigh coming through the black speaker of the drive thru order box.

When all the orders were complete and handed out in the car, my son opened his bag and threw it on the seat next to him. I was shocked since I asked him twice what he wanted. Apparently something got lost in translation because it wasn’t what he ordered and he complained we didn’t listen to him. A temper tantrum ensued and my son was sent to bed without his dinner.

I wish I could admit I’ve never thrown a similar temper tantrum at God. I felt my son’s frustration when he said he wasn’t heard. There have been numerous times when I felt like my prayers were bouncing off heaven rather than God taking my pleading to heart. I can be on my knees begging God to answer my prayers only to feel silence on His end. What I sometimes do next, isn’t pretty. Like my son’s temper tantrum, I engaged in what I call the spiritual temper tantrum. I stomp my feet, pleaded with God, give him the cold shoulder, pout or bargain to get my way. FYI-this never works.

However, while it doesn’t work to get my way, it does bring me closer to God. This sounds counter intuitive, but please hear me out. See, if I’m railing at God, I’m still talking to Him. When I’m talking to Him, it brings me closer to Him. My logic could be a little sketchy, but, it works for me. See, I throw my temper tantrum at God in a journal. However, after a few pages of writing out my tantrum, God begins to show up and comfort me in my discomfort. There is normally something I need to learn from what I’m going through and the testing can be tough, heart wrenching, fall to my knees tough. I can stand on the promise that God is always with me through my struggle. In Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV) it says, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

I cling to this verse when it feels all hope is lost in my situations – when I feel God doesn’t hear me. God is going before me and sometimes I don’t know what He has in mind, but I can trust He hears me, even my embarrassing spiritual tantrums.

Have you had a spiritual temper tantrum? (Please tell me I’m not the only one!) Share in the comments below if it brought you closer or farther from a relationship with God.

Now, if I quoted the title of this blog to my five-year old, I’d get the response of “We don’t use those words, Mom.” Specifically, stupid and shut up are not allowed in our house or a timeout and an apology would be forthcoming.

It’s a different story when the voices are inside our head. Oh, the painful things we accuse ourselves of in the quiet moments of our lives. I’m guilty of saying things to myself that would appall my friends and family if they could hear my internal voice. I doubt I’m the only one beating herself up on a daily basis for things I’ve done and in retrospect were not the wisest decisions or turned out to be nothing but the mountain I made up in my own mind.

A recent example of beating myself up mentally comes on the heals of our trip to Yosemite National Park. I wrote the blog post Finding My Calling in a Hike while our family was taking in the splendor of the park. Every trip our family takes involves a visit to the gift shop. My husband and I purchase a magnet on every trip we have taken together. This way, whenever I head to the kitchen, I receive a nice reminder of the memories we’ve all shared on our trips.

The ending of the most recent trip was a little chaotic. We were getting a late start on the final leg of our trip because we decided to stop off in Great Basin National Park and go through one of the cave tours. It was well worth the slight detour, however, this meant our arrival time home would be around 7 pm. No biggie, it’s still before the kids’ bedtime, right? We didn’t anticipate the two lane highway across Utah would be closed for 30 minutes to allow an oversize vehicle to pull through or the many stops my well hydrated kids would need to take in the middle of nowhere.

When we were finally back in cell service, Google Maps now said we’d be home at 8:30 pm. Ok, now we were arriving past the kids’ bedtime, but when they have games or school concerts, we get to bed later than normal, I justified in my head. One sick kiddo and many stops later, we pulled into our driveway at 10:45 pm. Everyone was exhausted, but we needed to at least get the food out of the cooler to the fridge and clean out my husband’s truck so it was driveable to work the next morning. Or I should say later that morning, when everything was said and done.

In the hustle and bustle of getting kids in the bath, which was required after a week of camping and into pj’s, stuff was getting pulled out and shoved everywhere. Instead of an organized unloading, things went willy nilly here and there. It was two weeks later when I realized, I couldn’t locate the gifts we bought in celebration of the trip, in celebration of the National Parks turning 100, and the gift for my in-laws for watching our crazy dogs for seven days. In the pile of camping gear thrown in the laundry room and backpacks tossed in the front hall closet, I couldn’t find the brown paper bags which is standard issue from the gift centers in the National Parks.

My fear was in the mass clean out of the car, we threw it all away. I want to share, my fear is grounded in past experiences. My loving husband, after the previously mentioned crazy dogs became sick on a trip back from Zion National Park, accidentally threw away our kids’ Junior Ranger Badges in the process of cleaning up after the dogs. Hence we now obtain sitters for our dogs on long trips.

So, I was worried this same thing had happened here. I mentally beat myself up for weeks because I’m not one to splurge at the gift shop for myself, but the parks were celebrating the 100 year anniversary of the National Park system and I bought myself and the entire family t-shirts for the event as well as to commemorate our trip to California.

I prayed the bags would be located. I prayed I had accidentally stuck them someplace in a closet or in another bag. Our house isn’t big, so the number of hiding places is somewhat limited. After two weeks of hunting through every bedroom and every closet in the house, I gave up. I couldn’t imagine where our bags had gone. I figured all hope was lost and seriously said some not so nice things to myself. I became angry at my lack of organization and didn’t cut myself any slack even though the unpacking took place in the wee hours of the morning.

However, I realized this self-directed anger was impacting my family. My kids saw how I was beating myself up and couldn’t move on or forgive myself. This wasn’t the example I wanted to be setting for my kids. Therefore, I did what I do to let something go, I filled my journal with an angry entry. I let it flow for pages and didn’t hold anything back, then I turned it over to God. A weight felt lifted from my shoulders and I finally felt ready to let go of losing the gifts.

Don’t get me wrong, I still would figuratively give myself a kick every now and then, but my mood improved. I’m not perfect. I tend to need a reminder of this frequently since I have a habit of holding myself to impossible standards.

Here’s the beauty of this situation. Last night, when my husband began looking for paint brushes in the garage for our daughter’s class project, there on the brown workbench sat all the brown bags of purchases from Yosemite National Park. I was moved to tears. Not because of the items themselves, but because God answered my prayers, even though I beat myself up rather than trust Him to provide.

Not loving ourselves, faults and all, is not showing love toward God. It’s a harsh lesson I continue to learn and unfortunately keep repeating over time. Every time I believe I’m done beating myself up over my divorce and the prices my kids are paying, something happens and I begin the process all over again. I’m learning to let go and forgive myself on numerous situations. I may be an odd ball, but I find it easier to forgive others than to forgive myself. This isn’t how God wants me to live. It’s about accepting His forgiveness and extending it to myself.

I remind myself of a couple Bible verses. The first is Psalm 139:14, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” If I accept that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, who am I to bash how God created me? God loved me so much, He created me in His image. A true blessing indeed!

The second verse which comes to mind is 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” This is the promise when I repent, ask for forgiveness from God and those around me, my slate is wiped clean. Completely clean! Once again, a true blessing indeed!

I admit, I’m still a work in progress in this area and probably will be on this side of heaven. The intent of this post is to help us encourage one another to forgive ourselves and tell the stupid voices to “shut up” and cling to the promises of God. Share in the comments how you cling to the promises of God.

Many of you know the challenges I’ve had medically. For those of you who don’t know my story, I’d like to share it with you. I hope it provides you encouragement to never give up and continually move forward toward your dreams.

In 2010, after six weeks of marital bliss with my new husband, I felt of pop in my back as I was working out with my husband. Throwing my back out, so to speak, is nothing new to me since my first back injury playing volleyball in high school. I figured it would be fine if I rested for a week or two. However, instead of getting better, the pain became increasingly intense, to the point I was breaking out in a sweat to get dressed.

One Saturday morning it became so painful, I walked into a weekend clinic to find out the source of my pain. Even though I requested an MRI, it wasn’t available until Monday unless I wanted to pay emergency fees. I was sent home with a referral to a spine specialist and made an appointment for the upcoming week. Before the orthopedic surgeon even saw me for my first appointment, I was placed in the narrow tube of the MRI machine. After an hour waiting for an interpretation, I saw my surgeon. I had ruptured my disk between my L5 and S1 vertebrae. The options were waiting to see if the rupture would dissolve on it’s own or head into the operating room.

Since I couldn’t stand the pain and narcotics weren’t doing a thing, my husband and I opted for the surgical route. After I woke up from surgery, my first thoughts were healing and getting back to my active lifestyle. It appeared I was on the road to recovery and had permission after months of physical therapy to get back to my normal life.

I felt good, but was always protective of my back and participated in activities which were not supposed to put undue pressure on my spine. Besides there was a less than five percent chance it would re-rupture.

On a Friday morning in 2013, I woke up in excruciating pain. The only thing I can compare it to was childbirth. On a scale of 1 to 10, I was at a 12. I could barely walk or stand. I called the office of my spine surgeon and they immediately fit me in because of a cancellation. I praise God for that cancellation.

I couldn’t even sit in the office or walk around the office while waiting to see the doctor because of my pain. The x ray technician found me on all fours crawling. It was not a pretty sight, I’m sure. After the x ray can back negative for a broken back, I was ushered into the MRI machine again and I couldn’t even get on the board without assistance.

When the results came back, I had once again ruptured the same disk. Only this time it was impacting my nerves and while in the doctor’s office, I lost feeling in my right leg. If I hadn’t been in so much pain, the look on the physician assistant’s face would have scared me silly. I didn’t have a choice, I was going in for surgery.

I was headed to the ER and was given the option of driving myself or taking an ambulance. My husband rushed me to the ER after pulling our kids out of school and daycare since we wouldn’t be available at the end of the day to pick them up.

Once again, this surgery appeared successful, but when I was getting ready to be released from the hospital, I still had no feeling in my right leg. The doctor assured me it might take time for the feeling to come back. After a year of physical therapy, while I never regained feeling in my right leg from the knee down, I was able to walk somewhat normally.

I was desperate to once again participate with my active family. I began to slowly increase my physical activity as my doctor ordered. My goal was to eventually run a 5K with my daughter who was part of the Girls on the Run program. The week before her race, she and I were running the track at the local high school together. During the first mile, I felt a large pop in my back, but there was no pain associated with it like in the past, so I made the assumption it was my joint popping.

As the day went on, I felt a slight twinge, then the pain began to build as we were out running errands. When we arrived home, I immediately when through my back stretches I learned in years of physical therapy and all the tricks I knew to make my back feel better.

The pain only increased by leaps and bounds. Back to the doctor I went. Since there is less than one percent chance I could have ruptured my disk again and the MRI wasn’t definitive, we went with a cortisone shot to the base of my spinal cord, rather than surgery again.

While the shot worked temporary to relieve the pain, the pain returned in full force between Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2013. Back to the doctor I went.

I was told the only fix was spinal fusion of my L5 and S1 joints. I figured anything was better than the daily pain I was living with and I signed my consent on the bottom line.

Surgery was ordered on December 23rd. My family spent Christmas in the hospital with me, where Santa delivered a few toys Christmas morning while I relearned to walk, get dressed and take care of daily necessities on my own. To say my recovery was a long, painful haul would be an understatement. I couldn’t walk stairs for three months, my years of firefighting were over and getting through the day took herculean effort. I’m not one to quit, however.

After another year of physical therapy, I was moving normally but in pain most of the time because of nerve damage I sustained in the second and now third surgery. The doctor told me there wasn’t anything else that could be done.

I walked with a slight limp on bad days and I was told my formerly active lifestyle wasn’t an option anymore. This declaration was a bigger blow to me than all my surgeries. Running was how I dealt with stress and worked out difficult problems while talking to God.

I accepted my doctor’s declaration for about a year and a half, but I realized the toll of being sedentary was slowly eating away at my mental health and the scale was creeping upward. I sought out alternative medicine and after six months was off all my daily nerve and pain medicine.

At my two year checkup for my spinal fusion, I was given a clean bill of spinal health and could slowly work my way back into more intense physical activity. When it came to running, I received a frown and the declaration of, “I’d prefer you don’t do it.”

As my parents will attest to, I’m not one to take no for an answer, especially if it comes in the form of you can’t do that. I took the process of getting active again very slowly. It began with walking short distances, then added to that distance a little bit each week. Soon I was able to walk three miles without thinking twice. I decided to see how my back would respond to a slow, short jog one morning. I only ran half the length of the track. I waited to see if the world came to an end in my back, but I felt good. Gradually, my runs increased in length and if I hurt, instead of pushing through the pain, I stopped for a few days. My lesson had become one of moderation, patience and trusting God. In July of 2015, I ran my first 5K since my first surgery in 2010. When I crossed the finish line, I broke down in tears from the joy of seeing all the effort pay off. The Bible verse, from Mark 10:27 came to mind, “But Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible.’” NKJV

God can work miracles and bring healing. If we believe God is asking us to do something and we are surrounded by doubters, know God will bring us through to the end if we trust Him and do our part too. Is there something God is asking of you? Share it in the comments below so we can pray for you and encourage you on your journey.

One of the things I want my children to feel is loved. Along with being loved, is feeling safe, secure and cared for without end. Some days I’m more successful than others as I strive to accomplish this goal. As much as I love and adore my children, on most days anyway, I have no idea how many hairs are on their head, just how many hairs I have to clean out of the drain or vacuum off the floor.

Imagine a loving God who created the universe, but still knows on a second by second basis the number of hairs on our head. He even knows the number of hairs on my head after I pull a few out helping my kids locate their stuff. Matthew 10:30 states, “And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” (NIV).

To know the number of hairs on our head, God must love us deeply. A soul deep love. The loving connection I have with my family and friends, doesn’t hold a candle to the connection God wants to have with us. God wants to connect with us, spend time with us. For someone who knows the number of hairs on our heads, are we willing to spend time with Him and allow Him in our heart or more importantly, leadership in our lives? It’s a daily, if not minute by minute struggle to turn my will over to God, my pride over to Him, if He knows the number of hairs on my head and probably the number I dig out of the drain and vacuum off my floor, I’m willing to work on it with Him? Will you join me?